


What You Know

by Lynxphilia



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Reader Self-Harm, Self-Harm, hunts, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 15:22:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5631376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynxphilia/pseuds/Lynxphilia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The voices, the self loathing, the combined stress of not wanting to let down the Winchesters all coupled to make it unbearable to live with yourself. At first the harming was subtle- a few bruises there, a couple cuts there, then he noticed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What You Know

You were careful at first, the feeling of experiencing something deadly and life threatening for the first time had you 'walking on your toes'. But soon enough, hunts just became...hunts, the carefulness faded and the thrill of happiness faded. Sure the Winchester Brothers kept you plenty occupied, but at night in the solace of your mind, the thoughts you held at bay came flooding in. Before the Winchesters had 'come to your aid', you'd hurt yourself in a number of ways everyday, Dean had caught on and they'd sat down, trying to find out  _why_ you wanted to hurt yourself- why you wanted to tear yourself apart. You never said and the topic became old news, but when you had slit a couple lines into your wrist Dean, ever the father, took away your knives, guns, anything that was considered remotely dangerous. Over the months you'd gotten smarter of how and where you could harm yourself. Self inflicted bruises ad cuts wouldn't pass, but bruises and cuts inflicted during hunts resulted in them lingering and you savored every bit of tingling pain. 

This was the first vamp you'd caught since the last nest you and the brothers had destroyed- which was almost 3 months ago.

"Be careful, Y/N, you remember what happened last time." Sam remarked, handing you a machete and a gun. Dean watched the exchange wearily before grabbing his own machete and a shotgun in place of your hand held.  _Ah, yes, 'last time'._ Last time the various injuries included three broken ribs, fractured wrist, dark splotches of bruises scattered your body and a cut across your forehead which needed 11 stitches. You smiled just a tiny bit and hoped that this hunt would result in something more severe. Now, you didn't exactly want enough damage to be hospitalized- God forbid, or loose an appendage. But with each greater wound, each lasting scar, the voices faded and the self loathing dissipated.

"Yes mother hen." you smirked, Sam rolled his eyes and shut the trunk of the black Impala. It was mid day, the sun was overshadowed with grey clouds, the holster of your gun was digging painfully into your hip but the pain kept you grounded. 

"Just find the Alpha and kill the rest." Dean instructed, you and Sam both nodded before entering the dark warehouse. It took a second for your eyes to adjust but once they did you were glad you didn't advance forward; bodies covered the surface of the ground, mostly dead- their bodies gave off the putrid smell of rotting flesh. Sam walked ahead and Dean behind, the Alpha lay under a sea of skinny blood bathed women. It was almost an accident when you sidestepped and landed on top of a sleeping vampire. The warehouse erupted in chaos, seeing Sam and Dean in action was a gift. They wound in tandem, never crossing blades and pressed against each others' back. The vamp you landed on pulled you close to him and purred in your ear,

"Such a pretty, pretty." it's tongue sliding wetly from your ear down to your neck, it had your arms trapped and you tried your damnedest to reach for your thrown machete. You involuntarily arched against the monster, it smiled against your neck and you cried out in pain as it dragged its sharp teeth over your pulse. "Pretty wanna get fucked? Wanna cum while I drain the blood from you?" Sam and Dean were caught in taking down the Alpha, they didn't notice you struggling. You kicked its shin with the heel of your foot and it growled, tightening its grip and you could feel your ribs re-break. You yelled out in surprise and finally Dean looked at you, his breath caught as he ran toward you- almost tripping over the fallen bodies. It opened ts mouth and its fangs gleamed in the dim light leaking through the broken roof. Just as Dean's machete sliced through its head, its arms pulled you impossibly closer- long sharp nails embedded themselves in your chest and crushed your lungs with its forearms. Your eyes bulged before you struggled to inhale, failing to do so as spasms overtook your body.

"No, no, no, no, nonononono." Dean dropped his machete and took you in his arms, kneeling on filth and cradling your head. Sporadic spasms shook your chest, blood began to fall from the corner of your lips and your eyes glazed over before they shut, "Y/N!!!" Dean yelled, smoothing your hair back and pressing his lips to yours. 

 

-

 

The pain was sharper than before, pins and needles sticking beneath your skin. Your tongue felt as if it was three times large, your eyelids felt glued to your cheeks. You made no attempt to breathe and still you could feel your chest expand and deflate in a pleasurable pace. And there was an annoying beep protruding your conscious. Voices talked in hushed tones, just like how Dean teased you under his breath, but these voices sounded angry and lost- it drove you insane. Finally you tried to open your eyes, the light was grey and somewhat soothing. Your nose itched painfully, you tried to raise your arm but found it pinned to the bed you lay on. You tried to move your head and once you did something shifted in your throat and it made you want to cough and gag. Your pulse sped up at the thought of being held motionless, the annoying beep increased its tempo and it sounded as if it was one long continuous sound. 

"Y/N." you opened your eyes , two impossibly warm hands framed your face, you looked up to see forest green ones looking back at you. "sh-shh-sh. Just breathe, in..and out...in...out....in........out" You took a hold of your lungs and breathed in tandem with the machine. Dean continued to say in and out- but it seemed that he was talking to himself. " 'm sorry." he whispers, placing his soft chapped lips on your forehead and leaving a butterfly kiss. "But this can't keep happening." He says, you close your eyes. You try to inhale deeply but the action makes you cough dryly. Dean pulls and away and you swear you can see tears in his eyes. "You probably want that out huh?" when he turns back to you his cheeks are dry but his eyes are red, you do your best to nod and he slowly begins to pull out the tube. Peeling the tape from your lips and holding paper cup to your lips, you want to gulp it down but he only lets you take small sips. "Do you know what happened Y/N?" he asks as he sits at the end of the bed, next to your feet. You want to nod but your shake your head instead. "Collapsed lungs, all ribs were broken, pierced heart, damn, ruptured veins and a shit ton of bruises. Doc said it looked like you were sat on by an elephant or something." He kept his head down as he talked, picking at a loose thread on your heavy blanket. "You've been out four weeks, Y/N." you wished you could say you were surprised but your were honestly more surprised that you woke up. "Four weeks, I've been sitting here and wondering why the hell you wanted to hurt yourself." 

"D-D." you tried speaking but it ended in you coughing up a storm, the action made you feel like your ribs were gonna crack again. 

"You know what you did, Y/N, what you're still doing. I thought you'd- I don't know. But I just can't keep pretending that everything is okay." he went quiet ad the only sound to be heard was the steady beeping of your pulse being taken.

"D-Did-dn't m-mea-an t-to h-hur-t-t y-you." you whispered, Dean looked up and you were fiddling with the tube stuck into the back of your left hand. You looked up only when calloused fingers lifted your chin, the cup was placed to your lips and Dean helped you take tentative sips. 

"I know you didn't but please- you've got to quit hurting yourself. You promised me  _and_ Sam...we love you Y/N." You looked down again at that.

"'M sorry." you whispered.

"It's okay." he kissed your forehead again, resting his lips there as it quivered and tears ran down his face. "We'll make it better, it's gonna be okay." You nodded at his words and you hoped to god it would be.


End file.
